Deviant Read online

  Copyright © 2013 by Helen FitzGerald

  All rights reserved.

  Published in the United States in 2013 by Soho Teen

  an imprint of

  Soho Press, Inc.

  853 Broadway

  New York, NY 10003

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  FitzGerald, Helen.

  Deviant / Helen FitzGerald.

  p. cm

  eISBN: 978-1-61695-140-5

  1. Science fiction. 2. Families—Fiction. 3. Behavior—Fiction.

  I. Title.

  PZ7.F575De 2013

  [Fic]—dc23 2012033455

  Interior design by Janine Agro, Soho Press, Inc.

  v3.1

  For Alessandro Gillies, Luisa Gillies, and Squidgy the pig

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  The guy facing Abigail across the desk wasn’t her parent and he wasn’t her friend. “Sit down, Abi,” he said, in a voice that tried to be both. He wasn’t a social worker either, more an unqualified asshole. He did the Saturday night shifts. He slept when he was supposed to be keeping an eye on the residents. Abigail could get him sacked. Maybe she would if he called her Abi again.

  “Abigail,” she corrected him, settling into the chair. She didn’t approve of nicknames. Nicknames were for people who were loved.

  “Okay, Abigail. There, are you comfortable?”

  “I’m okay.”

  “I have very bad news, I’m afraid.”

  She didn’t respond.

  “Abi?”

  “I told you, it’s Abigail,” she said. Very bad news bored her, the certainty and regularity of it. It always came in counsel rooms like this: vomit-resistant carpet, untidy desks marked with coffee cup rings, stained ceilings. The Samaritan’s poster on the wall with the suicide hotline. Always delivered by people like this: faces etched with fake concern that did not disguise the shopping lists being written in their heads.

  At the Granoch Assessment Centre two years ago, she’d stared at the same stack of orange files, piled high. “This residential school has an excellent reputation,” that particular unqualified asshole had lied, “and it’s so close to where you grew up.” As if closeness to a home long gone were a plus.

  The orange file was scrawled with Abigail Thom in thick black pen with a five-digit code beneath: 50837. That was her number. She was that number. Child fifty-thousand-eight-hundred-and-thirty-seven. Her crappy paper life: written by people who jotted as they spoke, who refused to let her see what they had written, and then went home at night, stopping first for their shopping. One day, she would like to read what was inside. What gave them the right to know what she didn’t?

  “Your mother died last night,” he said.

  Abigail heard the words, but could only focus on the coffee mug. GLASGOW, CITY OF CULTURE 1990. The mug was older than she was.

  “This is very difficult to take in, I know.” He paused before repeating the news. “Did you hear me? Your mother died last night. Your birth mother.”

  “Oh.” It came out wrong. Too soft. She swallowed, sat upright. She attempted to merge the whimper into something disarming and matter-of-fact. “Oh, okay. Well thank you for telling me. Is that all?”

  Unqualified Asshole blinked. He had obviously been hoping for a big scene. He’d probably assumed she’d throw herself at him and cry onto his thin, bony shoulders. He was probably looking forward to going home and telling his roommate (no way did he have a girlfriend) that he had consoled a sixteen-year-old orphan, that he had held her tight while she sobbed; that he, and only he, had helped today.

  “Um, well actually, the nurse said your mother left something for you at the Western Infirmary. Do you want me to take you there to pick it up?”

  “No,” Abigail said. “I know where it is.”

  THE HOSPITAL WAS A five-minute walk from New Life Hostel, which she’d been forced to call home this last year. No Life Hostel, as she put it. Six bedrooms, twelve residents. While the residents were known as Homeless Young Adults or Care Leavers or The Looked After, Abigail preferred the truth to euphemisms: Unloved Nobodies.

  She’d been an unloved nobody since nine, when Nieve died. Lovely Nieve. Until then, Abigail had hardly ever even thought of her birth mother. Nieve was a middle-aged hippie. A greying long-haired lady who smoked pot and played guitar. Kind, caring, and giving. All Abigail had ever known and all she ever needed. Yes, their life was “unconventional” (social worker’s word); they lived on an anti-nuclear camp in Western Scotland. US submarines were still based in the area, even though the Soviet Union was dead and gone. No threat, so why were there ships of war? A protest community had taken root to try and get them out.

  Nieve’s bright pink caravan bore the slogan “NO NUKES!” in black paint. There were beds at the far end. Abigail had slept in the top bunk, with a wee window overlooking the Holy Loch. Nieve made Scotch broth that simmered on the gas cooker. Abigail picked mushrooms in the autumn with the other kids. They sat by bonfires at night, told stories, walked to school together. Adults did the same except for the school part, spending the daylight hours plotting to make the world a better and safer and more just place.

  Odd that Abigail couldn’t remember anything beyond the first names of her childhood mates. Serena. Malcolm. Sunday, the baby.

  Who knew where they were now, what they’d become?

  Not long after Abigail’s ninth birthday, Nieve told Abigail she had cancer.

  Within a month, she was dead.

  ABIGAIL HURRIED FROM UNQUALIFIED Asshole’s office. She had to figure out what to do. Should she go to the hospital now? It was close, only blocks away in the same posh, trendy part of Glasgow. Both the Western Infirmary and No Life occupied beautiful Victorian buildings that disguised the misery within.

  Her mother had been so near when she’d died. But then, Abigail had no idea where her mother had been living or what she’d been doing. Ever. Sixteen years ago, she’d arrived at Nieve’s protest camp on a rainy Tuesday. She and Nieve were friends. According to Nieve, her mother had begged her friend to take the newborn baby. Her mother had been desperate and secretive. “Keep her safe. Don’t tell her anything about me. And never try to contact me.”

  Was that even true? Abigail hadn’t wondered until now. Nieve hadn’t been above lying.

  After Nieve’s death, Abigail was visited by two men in jeans. They drove her away in a battered Ford Fiesta. They were social workers, they told her. They were taking her to a place called “Care.” She had no idea what they meant, but even at the age of nine, she quickly learned it was bad. It was that office with its dirty coffee mugs, orange files, and Samaritan’s posters. She hadn’t even been allowed to attend Nieve’s funeral, a Humanist service near Tighnabruaich.

  The ceremony would be full of drugs, they said. It was in her “best interests” to stay away.

  That night, or so she imagined, their little community celebrated Nieve’s life by painting her cardboard coffin.

  Abigail had few regrets. But missing out on that still filled her with rage. She’d planned to paint two birds, flying free in clear blue sky, a copy of the image e
ngraved on Nieve’s “chest of special things” at the foot of her bed. Nieve had always told her that the two of them were a pair of free birds like the one in the carving. But the social workers said she couldn’t go back to the commune or have any more contact with it.

  And so it began. Seven years of being “looked after” in eight different places. Seven years of being examined and documented by early shift workers, late shift workers, night shift workers, field workers, adoption and fostering workers and blah, blah, blah. Mumbo Jumbo: all of it and all of them. What was it that the Bible said? “Seven lean years?” Maybe the Bible wasn’t a total load of shite.

  Her first social worker—one of the men in the Ford Fiesta—was Jason McVeigh. Long-haired and laid-back, like the men she had known on the anti-nuclear commune. Abigail felt comfortable with him. He gave her compassion and time. He listened to her opinions. He stood up for her when care workers accused her of stealing money from the staff office. (She hadn’t.) Jason took her shopping when she had nothing to wear to the sad little dance her school held.

  After two years, Jason left to work at a bar in Majorca. Who could blame him? He seemed choked up when he said goodbye. He would never forget her, he said.

  Three years later, Abigail bumped into him at Central Station in Glasgow. He’d cut his hair short. He was pushing a buggy with a baby in it. His baby. Abigail raced up to him, excited. He looked as though he was trying hard, but he could not remember her name. All he could offer was a vacant smile and a “Hope you’re doing well?”

  Abigail had never gotten close to anyone after that. She gave up asking to go to the commune. By the time she was fourteen and living in the Granoch Assessment Centre a few kilometers down the road, she’d all but stopped remembering.

  ABIGAIL SAT ON HER stiff, institutional twin bed. She had the room to herself right now, a good thing. Roommates and rooms blended from one to the next. Nobody, nothing ever quite managed to be clean. Not clean in the way people or places looked on TV, or even on the commune, where Nieve and her friends bathed in the Loch and took care to scrub and sanitize their mobile homes.

  Her newest roommate, a freshly arrived Romanian girl named Camelia, was glued to the television in the common area.

  The photo, Abigail kept thinking.

  “Your mum was a good woman,” Nieve had told her more than once, “but she wasn’t able to look after you. Please don’t ask me anything else.”

  At first Abigail didn’t need to ask more. Nieve was her family. She belonged to someone. But for some reason, on her ninth birthday, Abigail had decided she wanted to know what her mother looked like.

  “Please! As a birthday present?”

  “I’m sorry, darling, I can’t tell you anything. I promised.”

  “Nieve. Please.”

  Reluctantly, Nieve removed the key—always attached to the silver chain around her neck—and for the first time Abigail could remember, Nieve unlocked the “chest of special things.” It was her pride and joy, this thing, its heavy lid engraved with those birds, wings outstretched. And yet its contents were a mystery. Abigail tried to peek over Nieve’s shoulder. All she saw was a bunch of junk photos, papers, and trinkets.

  Nieve reached inside and handed Abigail a small, framed Polaroid: colorful protesters in Glasgow’s George Square with NO NUKES! placards.

  “That’s me at the very front, and that’s her, there, the pretty one, third from the left in the second row. See? In orange and red? Same build as you?”

  Abigail scrunched her eyes to look at the tiny red and orange protester.

  “She has the same slender figure as you, see!” Nieve said. “Thank God for small favors.”

  Nine-year-old Abigail could only confirm that the woman in the photo was indeed slim and that her features were regular. As for pretty, she couldn’t really tell. This is my mother? she remembered wondering.

  Nieve was already dying then. And she knew it.

  Abigail glanced at her grey Nike backpack at the foot of the bed. The photo was tucked in the side pocket. Apart from Nieve’s silver chain with the key on it—which Abigail had worn around her neck since Nieve’s death—it was the only memento she kept of anything remotely resembling “family.” She unzipped the backpack. Her fingers did not tremble. They were remarkably steady. She touched the frame, turned it around and opened it, retrieving the small piece of paper she’d hidden there several years ago: a cut-out photocopy of her mother’s face enlarged and enlarged again. Abigail had made the copy in the office of her fourth children’s home while the care workers were dealing with a fight in the girls’ bathroom.

  It was a blur.

  Her mother was a blur. An after-image.

  Abigail grabbed her coat from the hall. Camelia was watching Arachnophobia. Abigail could relate; she’d spent many hours on the same couch watching the only DVD she owned: The Shining. A family of three, snowbound in a cursed hotel for the winter, forced to cope with Jack Nicholson’s terrifying descent into violent madness. Abigail had always loved it, though not because she felt trapped. She loved it for the wee boy, Danny. He had the “shining”: a psychic ability to read the future, see into the past, and communicate telepathically with those who had it, too. It was this power that enthralled—to be so close to someone that she could see the whole of that person’s mind, and that person hers. A nonsensical pipe dream. God, she wasn’t even close enough to anyone to communicate properly with words.

  Camelia fidgeted at the hairy spider legs on the screen.

  She should be nervous. Dirt-poor with a mother in desperate need of medical help, Camelia had posted on the web that she was seeking a job to support her family back in Romania. Within hours, she had a “boyfriend”: Billy, who fell in love with her sight unseen, compensated her for her ticket, picked her up at the airport, then dumped her at the hostel with an “I’ll be back shortly.” Camelia had been waiting on the sofa ever since.

  Billy was very well-known at No Life. He was twenty-seven or so, with the stocky physique of a rugby player and the slang of a boy who’d stopped going to school not long after being toilet trained. No one ever called him a pimp, but he was. No one ever called him a human trafficker, but he was. Abigail had shared bedrooms with two of Billy’s previous “girlfriends.” One had died of an overdose. The other was still selling herself on Glasgow Green. Billy’s strategy was to meet girls online or at the hostel, rootless and homeless and perfect little earners. He would get them hooked and send them off to the street.

  He’d tried this routine with Abigail shortly after she’d arrived at No Life, offering a hit for free. She’d told him what he could do with himself.

  Abigail stared at Camelia. The poor girl chewed a cracked fingernail, compulsively glancing out the window and checking the clock on her phone.

  This isn’t my problem.

  OUTSIDE IT WAS RAINING: surprise, surprise. God, she hated this city.

  “My mother is dead,” Abigail said out loud as she walked along the leafy street, wondering if this might make her feel something, anything. It didn’t.

  “My mother is dead,” Abigail said again. She sloshed past the Kelvingrove Art Gallery. Apparently the man who designed this beautiful red sandstone building had killed himself afterward. They’d made it the wrong way around, rumor had it. Nonsense, obviously, as both sides were identical. If he’d killed himself, it wasn’t because of the building. It was because he wanted to. And at the end of the day, who wouldn’t?

  “So she’s dead,” Abigail said out loud. “So what? Who gives a shit?”

  Glasgow dripped onto Abigail as she walked the three blocks to the hospital. The rain coated her with memories. When she was thirteen, she’d asked the residential workers if she could have a picnic in Queen’s Park. Not only did it rain, but one of her nobody friends slashed another of her nobody friends with the birthday cake knife. The whole gathering ended up waiting in Accident and Emergency for four hours. Yet the social workers couldn’t understand why she preferred to
sit alone in her crap room and read.

  In her second-to-last year at the residential school in Granoch, having learned quite a bit on her own, she asked if she could take chemistry and physics. But the timetables clashed. It was surprising they had the science subjects at all, considering some pupils her age were still reading Spot the Dog. In the Principal’s office, she argued calmly at first, then not so calmly, and then called the Principal a bloody idiot. As a result, she was banned from taking either subject. That night, she waited till it was dark and jumped out the dormitory window. She ran as far away as her legs would take her. The police found her a day later, sitting among the shattered glass of a vandalized bus shelter, drenched from the rain, and starving.

  Will I die here? she wondered. Soaked in a polluted drizzle? Would she be burnt in a crematorium overlooked by decaying high-rises? Would the wet clumps of her body ash be tossed to concrete?

  The better question was: Why wouldn’t she?

  Glasgow University bore down with its wise and unseen eyes. She had never been inside, but often she’d watched from the sidewalk as students strolled along stone-pillared open-air corridors. Straight-shouldered and purposeful, they were clean. Taken care of. They were part of the sandstone columns, manicured walkways, and antique wooden doors. Now she could see their silhouettes in the cozy bar windows; now the grand spire of the university loomed over her from Gilmorehill, as if declaring: “You will never come to me. You are just another abandoned Glaswegian. You are a care-leaver, a homeless teenager, and now, an orphan. You think you’re clever? Well you’re not. You will never read inside me.”

  Well, screw the university. Their loss. Screw the whole lot. Who’s to say there wasn’t some posh version of Billy getting rich girls hooked on smack in there?

  She turned away, dodging puddles. She wondered if her mother’s body would still be at the hospital. She wondered if she would have to look at it.